I Am Not the Queen of England!

I understand the Queen likes it, even insists upon it, but I am not the Queen of England, so please don't call me ma'am.

A ma'am is a gray haired woman in her 70s who wears an apron when she cooks and grafts geraniums for fun. She doesn't flinch when she's called ma'am, because anything more casual or familiar is actually an affront to her.

I remember the first time it happened, many years ago now, and how it cut like a knife to have a stranger make the casual assessment that I was clearly past my prime and therefore no longer eligible to be called 'miss.' I had inadvertently crossed an arbitrary boundary into middle age. It ruined my whole day.

It happened at Blocksbuster again the other evening. This was not some pimply adolescent for whom everyone over 30 is old - this was a man my age or older who called me ma'am repeatedly during the course of the transaction. I'm not questioning his motives - I'm sure he was only trying to be respectful - but, all the same, I wish he had called me by my actual name(visible on my membership card) or 'hey, you' or 'hey, Lady' (which is only a slight improvement) or anything, anything but ma'am.

I don't like being called Miss, either, at this point, because I am clearly not a miss, so when someone calls me Miss, I am instantly skeptical of their false flattery, as though I should be thrilled to think that they think I am young enough to be a miss. Am I making any sense?

Maybe I am being too harsh, too sensitive. I'm sure I've called women Ma'am myself on more than one occasion, but I'm going to stop it and start a movement to stop it, or maybe there's a movement already in progress that I can join...

Ma'ams no more!

Please Suggest New Words

When I learned years ago that Canola oil (CANadian Oil, Low Acid) had been re-named from its original designation as 'rapeseed oil' for obvious marketing reasons, it got me thinking: many of the words we use every day NEED to be replaced. By replaced I mean euthanized, not euphamized. For example:

vegetable

We know we are supposed to eat vegetables, and they can be delicious if fresh and properly prepared - I'm not denying that - but the word is too long, too outdated, and too British. Is it supposed to be three syllables or four? With emphasis on the first or second? Some people have attempted to make the word more child-friendly by calling vegetables 'veggies,' which is all right in its plural form, I guess, but if mothers and nutritionists sincerely want us to eat more vegetables, we need to come up with a snappier, sexier word. Your suggestions?

artichoke

What a perfectly awful word for anything as edible and delicious as an artichoke! I know lots of people who think they don't like artichokes, and I can only assume it's the name, which has made this vegetable the brunt of jokes (Arty Chokes 3 for a Dollar...) Artichokes do not look edible and they certainly do not sound edible. Nothing that is safe to eat should have the word 'choke' in its name. But they are one of my very favorite 'veggies.' Your suggestions?

asparagus

Ditto asparagus. I LOVE it despite its name, but how many people (especially children) shun it entirely because it sounds just awful! There's nothing that tastes better or is better for you than asparagus -- it deserves a better name. Any ideas?

broccoli

Ditto broccoli, a vegetable that has been defamed by past presidents. I knew a three-year-old boy who loved broccoli, but he didn't call it by its proper name - his mother taught him to call it 'little trees.' Mothers shouldn't have to be so wise and sneaky. We need a new word!

hummus

I never tried hummus until I was in my 30s, probably because its name makes it generally unpopular. It hardly sounds like the party food that it is. Hummus is made of ground up chickpeas (try not to picture fuzzy yellow baby chicks) mixed with delicious seasonings and it's great as a dip or a spread. But with a name like hummus, who would eat it spontaneously without being culturally exposed to it, urged on by someone who's gone before? It sounds like some sort of gelatinous residue, so it needs a new name. Any suggestions?

housewife

As mentioned in my post yesterday, we desparately need a new term for this word! There are some well established euphamisms, but none of them quite works for me: homemaker (not too bad, I guess, though I picture a burley guy in steel-toe boots), caretaker (think: cemetery), domestic goddess (think: Zha Zha Gabor), helpmeet (too Biblical), stay-at-home mom (we are usually mobile; we do occasionally leave the house)...No matter what we call 'housewives,' I think we can all agree that no one is or can be married to a house. Any ideas?

I'm sure there are a hundred other words that could be added to this list. Please let me know if there are any that bother you and we can start a crusade.

Merry Christmas!

Just in case I have any regular blog readers out there (though I suspect that I do not) I thought I would pause from my preparations this Christmas Eve afternoon to wish you a Merry, Merry Christmas!

Why don't we use the word 'merry' more often throughout the year in any other context? It's a better word than most of its synonyms, implying joyous contentment and quiet laughter. Maybe it's because of the Christmas connotation, but the word makes me think of rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes. A person cannot be merry and angry at the same time, or merry and envious, or merry and dissatisfied.

So when I wish you a Merry Christmas, I am wishing you the absence of all of the negative sentiments as well as the presence of all of the good sentiments that should accompany the season.