A little while ago I was thinking what a great day this has been, which was perplexing because there's no particular reason. I haven't done anything extraordinary at all, haven't seen anyone I don't normally see or created anything or spent much money.
Which got me thinking about why it's been so great. (Oh, I know - I tend to over-analyze. Okay, I will admit that I am the Queen of Over-Analysis, which explains my particularly bad case of Analysis Paralysis. I can deliberate over some issues for decades...)
And the reason why I think today has been so great is that I have taken it as it comes, moment by moment. I have not consulted my ubiquitous day planner -- not once. (Which makes me wonder, what have I forgotten to do today...? A momentary panic distracts me...)
When we showed up an hour early for my son's ACT this morning (for which I had awakened at 5:44am), I did not freak out. I used that "found time" to make a grocery list and do some shopping before the Saturday crowds. At home I processed laundry, one load after another, without tapping my foot waiting for the dryer to stop rotating so that I could proceed. I baked a cake this afternoon for no reason. My daughter Emily said, "It's been so long since we've had a random cake!" (meaning a cake which is not a birthday cake).
And in all of this I think I've discovered that pre-planning every aspect of your life is not all it's cracked up to be. For years I have been scheduling all of my time, never doing one thing without thinking about the next thing I have to do - and it's exhausting! I have been living a carefully measured existence. Every possible activity I might want to engage in has had to conform to (often imaginary or self-imposed) constraints of time, money, schedules....You can't really force life anyway -- to a certain extent you have to react to it. To a certain extent you have to take it as it comes, whether you want to or not.
Which makes me remember some lines by the poet Walt Whitman:
From this hour I ordain myself
Loos'd of limits and imaginary lines
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute
Listening to others, considering well what they say
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating
Gently, but with undeniable will
Divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I have alway considered these lines somewhat controversial because some limits are necessary and some lines are not imaginary but are essential to human happiness (at least to my own happiness), but I believe I will divest myself of the unnecessary 'holds that would hold me.'
I think I will practice taking life as it comes.
P.S. Last night I stuck a post-it note to my computer screen that said 'Cheryl Acton is fearless!' Nothing could be further fom the truth - but that philosophy has affected me all day and may also be responsible for my new outlook.
2 comments:
Bravo! And did you really remember those lines from Walt Whitman? Gorgeous.
I remembered the first two lines only, but liked the rest too. (To be honest, I didn't find them idly reading Walt Whitman's collected works. I found them on a card with a beautiful Alfred Stieglitz picture on the front of it -- a b&w of a man sweeping the street in 1930s New York City. I bought two of them!)
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